My Attention is CRITICAL (&my own)
“Estar trucha,” my grandfather would tell me, continues to feel like the greatest compliment. It’s Spanish slang for “being alert or cautious in just the “right way.” This phrase is a compliment because of its capacity to be in touch with your intuition while remaining present at the moment to respond most effectively. It’s shifting from how I can be most productive to how regulated I can stay throughout my day.
“I WOULD NEVER!!” I now categorize into the same pile I find the “I can CHANGE THEM”….absolute therefore UNHELPFUL.
Expecting myself or anyone to meet fixed standards is inflexible and unrealistic. Being in a relationship requires flexibility and compromise. - grace. If extending grace isn’t your impulsive response when triggered, building a tolerance to expand your understanding will require intentional effort.
How do you know if you're responding impulsively? Being fully authentic with yourself comfortably and with others is not familiar. Our impulse response can sometimes be our protector doing its best.
How can I start redirecting my attention? Becoming familiar with the following common thought patterns we share as humans:
All or NOTHING thinking:
The “NEVER”, “ALWAYS”, and “SHOULD” are extremes that leave no room for error. As a human, keeping oneself in a box is unrealistic. Do you find yourself using extremes in any areas of your life?
“If I’m not productive every minute, I’m wasting my time”…absolute and extreme since we all need to eat, sleep, be social, exercise, and more daily.
All-or-nothing thinking can lead to unrealistic expectations and unnecessary stress, often hindering progress and self-esteem.
SEEKING to blame:
The urgency of habitually assigning blame to self or others for an adverse event or outcome: Is it worth the energy, on top of having to deal with the event or outcome?
“If I hadn’t been so needy, they wouldn’t have left me”… yes, this is valid to some extent, but not everything is about you…we never know ALL the factors influencing another person’s actions. Consider all the times you felt you looked terrible in a relationship or you did blow it through with words or actions…accepting blame didn’t change what already happened. Channel all that energy towards adjustable perspectives and behaviors to avoid repeating yourself.
Blame-oriented thinking often oversimplifies situations and prevents individuals from taking responsibility for their actions or recognizing the multifaceted nature of events. This can lead to increased conflict, reduced personal growth, and strained relationships.
SELF-SERVING bias
correlation isn’t causation … to elaborate, this style of thinking is when individuals, even ourselves, attribute their successes to internal factors (e.g., their own abilities or efforts) and their failures to external factors (e.g., bad luck, other people, or situational circumstances)
Self-serving bias can help protect self-esteem but can also hinder personal growth by preventing individuals from recognizing their own role in adverse outcomes and learning from their mistakes.
Personalization
I’m all for being delusional, and I also agree there are limits… Delusion is when individuals blame themselves for events outside their control or believe that external events are directly related to them, even when there is little or no basis for this belief.
“My friend didn’t reply to my text immediately; they must be mad at me." is a big jump…equally to assuming they are hurt. This tends to happen when we aren’t in our full five senses in a regulated state to reality test ourselves, limited knowledge of a situation, and even our ignorance.
Personalization can lead to unnecessary guilt and stress, as individuals take on blame for things beyond their control. It can also contribute to feelings of low self-esteem and hinder a realistic understanding of personal responsibility.
Mental Filter
Exclusive focus on the negative aspects of a situation while ignoring or dismissing the positive ones.
It’s the classic do 100 things right, yet the focus is on ONE mishap. To reduce this habit, we must practice grace towards others and ourselves. For example, "My teenager got a bad grade, so I’m failing as a parent," overlooking the overall academic support and guidance provided.
Mental filtering can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem by preventing individuals from recognizing and appreciating their successes and positive experiences.
Jumping to Conclusions
We make assumptions or draw negative conclusions without sufficient evidence. This can manifest in two primary ways: mind-reading (assuming you know what others are thinking) and fortune-telling (predicting adverse outcomes). We can make assumptions and analyze situations for better decision-making, but this emphasizes what it looks like when we don’t take the time to do our due diligence. Caving into a sense of urgency can lead to an impulsivity pattern that can narrow perspective.
For instance: "My child is struggling in school; they'll never catch up." or "No one will like my art; it's not good enough." both are discouraging.
Jumping to conclusions can lead to increased anxiety, stress, and miscommunication, as individuals often act based on these unfounded assumptions. Recognizing and challenging these thoughts can help promote a more balanced and realistic perspective.
OVERgeneralizing
an individual makes a broad, sweeping conclusion based on a single event or a limited amount of evidence
For instance, “I had a bad date, so I'll never find a good partner." and "I missed a week of exercise, so I'm out of shape and will never be fit." over a more balanced thought: "I missed a week of exercise, and I can get back on track and regain my fitness when I decided to ...."
Recognizing and challenging these overgeneralized thoughts can help individuals develop a more balanced and realistic perspective, leading to better emotional health and more effective problem-solving.
CATASTROPHISING
a person expects or imagines the worst possible outcome in a situation, often lost in thought. This thought pattern involves magnifying a minor setback or problem into a major disaster, leading to increased anxiety and stress.
Examples: "I got a bad grade on one exam. I'm going to fail the entire course and ruin my academic career." over a more balanced thought: "I got a bad grade on one exam. I can study harder for the next one and seek help if needed."
Reducing catastrophic thoughts can improve communication and reduce conflicts in relationships. & realizing that setbacks are manageable helps individuals bounce back more quickly from difficulties.
EMOtional Reasoning
This is challenging to recognize since it requires a level of ability to be within one's body, which for some of us isn’t a place we like to be…a person believes that their emotional reactions reflect the true state of reality. In other words, if they feel a certain way, they assume that it must be true, regardless of evidence to the contrary. This type of thinking can lead to significant misunderstandings and misinterpretations of situations and negatively impact a person's emotional well-being.